A buddy of mine and his wife had a baby boy on Mother’s Day (just a few days ago – that’s him up there!). He’s a little, five-pound beauty that just melts you. I’m a big baby guy, and my wife is crazy about babies, so we enjoyed just hanging out with them and passing the kid back and forth, watching him sleep or groggily stare at the weird people who were holding him.

We’ve been married for more than six months, so now is the time when everybody and their brother pounces on us and asks the same question:

“So when are you guys going to start having kids?”

Before we were married, my wife and I made sure we were on the same page when it came to kids. The last thing you want is to be stuck in a marriage where you disagree about when/if you’re having children. We settled on two years, feeling that we would want time to get used to each other and enjoy being married before adding kids to the mix. We made up our minds, and even though we are tempted from time to time, we know it’s a smart decision and one that both of us can be happy with.

But you know, that doesn’t matter to other people. And they’re usually just trying to be cute or funny when they do it, but there’s a grain of truth behind their badgering. Just like when you are dating for a while and they start asking, “So when are you guys going to get married?”, bugging couples about kids is just what people who have kids do, because they are anxious to see someone else go through the experience.

And it’s not that we dread the idea – we’re looking forward to what having kids will do for us and the opportunity to raise a family. But we know we’re not ready for it yet.

The importance of making up your own mind

It amazes me how often people make decisions based on what other people think. I used to do it all the time. You start in school, when you pick what to wear based on what others are wearing, and what music to listen to based on what everybody else is listening to. You see the same movies and the same TV shows, because you just want to fit in with everybody else.

But some of us don’t grow out of that. We keep making decisions based on what we think we’re “supposed” to do, instead of what we really want to do. People that do that are destined to just repeat history, so to speak.

There’s nothing wrong with being logical

It’s very easy to judge actions based on emotions. Some of the people who have kids and are pushing us to have kids didn’t plan on getting pregnant when they did. So they just assume that it’s going to happen to everybody. They figure, “Why bother trying to have any control over your life if it’s just going to spiral out of control anyway?” You can see this attitude in their approach to having kids, managing their money, or pursuing their careers.

The truth is, you have much more control than you think. When you are making life decisions, you can certainly sit down and be logical about it – working on facts instead of looking at your emotions.

For example, if you are deciding when to have children, you should sit down and look at your age, how many kids you want to have, your goals for your marriage, and what you want to do over the next few years. My wife and I did that, and that’s how we approached our baby-making decision. This is the same approach you should have for any big decision: where to live, where to go in your career, managing/improving your health, and your money management.

Life will throw you curveballs

Being logical also means understanding that not everything will go according to plan. A married couple may have an unexpected bundle of joy, a crisis can wipe out a bank account, and any number of unplanned events can impact your health.

But that does not mean you just go through life without a plan – even a loose one. Setting goals for yourself is important to take full advantage of everything that has been given to you. Everybody has opportunities for growth and for success in different areas, but if you are not working with some sort of guideline, then you’re going to miss them. You know where that gets you? Exactly where you are now.

Be flexible. Roll with the punches. But have a plan. And most importantly, don’t let anybody else influence it for you. Their life is not yours. They made their own decisions, and you make yours. And just like their success or failure has no influence on your life, your success or failure won’t do anything to theirs. Don’t feel guilty about trying to build a life that is not in line with those around you.

• You can’t get out of debt without knowing what got you there in the first place.
• You can’t lose weight without knowing how you got fat.
• You can’t have a happy marriage without figuring out what’s making you miserable.
• You can’t get an “A” on that exam without figuring out what you don’t know.

In chapter 7 of the book of Matthew, The Bible says you need to yank that giant hunk of wood out of your eye before pointing out that piece of sawdust in somebody else’s. In the same vein, you can’t point fingers at the problems without looking inward and figuring out what you’re doing wrong. So stop sitting around blaming the problems for your misery and figure out where the problem REALLY lies. You might be surprised to find that it might be you. Just entertain the idea – humor it – and you are going to unearth some big developments in your problem-solving.

The Beatles knew it. Sometimes, we all need help. But asking somebody to give us a hand can really feel like pulling out your own teeth sometimes, doesn’t it? I’m a fiercely independent man. I won’t ask for help on something until I am completely backed into a corner.

Why are we scared to ask for help?

• It makes us look vulnerable. If you’re the type that likes being looked to as somebody who can get the job done in any situation, you hate asking for help just because you think it makes you look weak.
• It may inconvenience somebody else. Even if they tell you repeatedly that it’s not that big of a deal, you still feel guilty making somebody else compromise their time to bail you out.
• We don’t think we need it. To some degree, we all have that feeling that we can accomplish anything. We’ve been told that since birth (“you can do anything you set your mind to,” right?).

But asking for help isn’t a bad thing. You’ve heard of the phrase, “Work smarter, not harder.” That’s exactly what asking for help means. It means being smart. Anybody who’s had any success in this world understands that there are moments where you just need to ask for help.

Asking for a little help involves checking out a few things in your motives. First, there’s a distinct difference between wanting help and wanting someone to do the work for you. Don’t ask your buddy to come help you work on the car if you are just going to stand next to the car drinking a beer while he works on your transmission. If you want help working on the car, roll up your sleeves and have him assist you in fixing it (and learn something along the way!). It’s like falling down in a race – you don’t want somebody to come pick you up and carry you across the finish line; you just want someone to help get you off the ground so you can start running again. Plus, if you’re truly asking for help, you are demonstrating to those around you (and yourself) that you aren’t running from the problem. You want to tackle it head-on. If you need a little help, that’s okay.

So let’s take a look at some situations where you might want to ask for a little help.

School

Any readers out there still doing homework? Hey, just because I’m not anymore doesn’t mean I don’t have any college readers (or high school readers?). In any case, this is a great time to learn how to ask for help. Usually on TV and in movies, you see getting help with homework involves having a nerd give you answers, or duping the cute girl into dating you. We’re not discussing either of those things here. Make it worth the tutor’s time. Throw some money their way, or buy them something nice in exchange. If you happen to live in some pop culture cliché, you could teach them to be cool. When they are going over things, stop them and ask questions. Any good teacher wants you to ask questions: it shows you are paying attention and you care about the material. Have them explain the concepts behind that algebra problem or the philosophies that our Founding Fathers built on. The more you can inject yourself into the content, the easier this will be on both of you!

Career

Watching somebody try to move up the ladder in an office can be interesting. After all, there are a fair amount of people in the world stuck in their positions, complaining about their bosses, wishing they got more raises, and just reveling in their misery. If you want to get ahead, you need to get on your bosses’ radar. Schedule a sit-down with your boss and instead of asking “Can I get a raise?” or “When will you promote me?”, ask questions like “What can I do to get a raise?” or “What can I do to get me on track for a promotion?” Put it on you. Your boss will appreciate it. After all, it’s not his job to give you a raise – it’s your job to earn it.

Building a business? Talk to people who’ve done it successfully. That’s the biggest point. Offer something in return. Many businesspeople are happy to share ideas and concepts with budding entrepreneurs. They’ve been there!

Marriage/Relationships

This is probably the one that the fewest people ask for help with. Relationships, and particularly marriages, can be strained after long periods of time. Many couples don’t understand that this is a natural thing, and they simply give up. But if you actually want to work at your marriage (you know, that whole “for better or for worse” promise you made), then there’s nothing wrong with getting together and understanding that you need to see somebody. It’s a big step in your marriage, and it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible – it just means you are human and you need to work through some crap. Hopefully, you’re going to a church, so you could approach your pastor about it. Most pastors are trained and educated in counseling, so they’d be great resources for this sort of thing. Even if they can’t, they should know somebody reputable that they can refer you to. Having a strong faith together is a great resource to turn to when things get tough. Also, go into any couples therapy as a team – you aren’t there to fix the other person. You are there to fix the relationship, and that means both of you.

Addiction

Simply put: there’s a lot of crap in this world that your brain can get hooked on. A lot of times, doing it on your own does nothing. Again, to get help, find somebody who’s kicked it successfully. There are plenty of support groups out there that can coach you into getting it done. If you need to look for a reputable specialist, do so. And let go of the shame – the world looks much more favorably on somebody who recognizes his or her addiction and is mature enough to get help. If you’re fighting it, you’ve got respect. There is little compassion for somebody who is too proud to get help and lets it take them down. Don’t be that guy.

Emotional Support

We all need to share our feelings with somebody at times (yup, even us dudes!). The best way to do so is to talk with your significant other – or in absence of one of those, a close friend or family member. But don’t unload on the person. They are not there to dump your troubles on to. Spend some time relating feelings to each other, and then do something together to get your mind off the stress.

If you want to be successful when getting help, the main thing to understand is that it’s going to be hard. There’s no way around that, so face it head-on. Once you approach it like that, nothing can stop you except yourself. Get some help before it’s too late to fix it.

The above is in honor of the Milwaukee Brewers, who just set a franchise record as I type this for the biggest margin of victory in a shutout win over the Pirates, 20-0. Way to go, fellas! We’ve got a lot of ground to cover today, so let’s just get started:

Family Life

Ironically, even though I don’t have kids, I’m fascinated by articles written by parents about how they raise their kids. Here are a couple I saw (plus a marriage one, too):

• Why You Want a Debt-Free Marriage [Simple Marriage] – This is a nice article that tries to help you avoid the problems that come from money issues in your marriage. Amanda and I won’t be debt-free, but we’ll be working our tails off to get there as quickly as possible.
• What Children Can Teach Their Parents [Stepcase Lifehack] – On the flip side of the usual take on parenting, here’s what the older folks can learn from their rugrats.
• Parenting: 6 Myths You Should Know About [Stepcase Lifehack] – My favorite: “#6. Letting your child struggle or get upset is bad parenting.” Too many people think this is truth.

Put a smiiiiile on your faaaaace…

Happiness seems elusive for so many. Check out these great tips:

• Stuff won’t make you happy, experiences will [Unclutterer] – It shocks me how many people don’t realize this. Even if you consciously understand this, do you subconsciously believe it?
• why i won’t be buying an ipad [mnmlist] – This isn’t an anti-Apple article. It’s a common-sense article.
• The Boy and the Sundae [Becoming Minimalist] – This is a really sweet story that teaches a good lesson about giving back to others.

Nerdy Stuff

Time for something a little more technical – but no less practical!

• Ditch Desktop Apps for Webapps, Free Up RAM, and Enjoy the Best of Both Worlds [Lifehacker] – Most of us have a constant internet connection now, and you can do most computing within a web browser without noticing a difference, except your computer will run better. That’s why I use Google Docs, Gmail, Picasa, Google Reader, and Pandora, among other apps.
• Windows Media Player 12 Streams Your Media Library Over The Internet [Lifehacker] – Say what you want about Microsoft, but they continue to just swing for the fences trying to improve their software for our benefits. I won’t say they’re doing fantastic or anything (I still haven’t tried Windows 7, and it is expensive), but WMP12 lets you connect your music and videos to any computer using the same software that everybody has on their Windows computer. That’s pretty cool.
• Why I’m Returning My Apple iPad [Social Times] – Writer Nick O’Neill puts forth the idea that the iPad is not revolutionary and that Apple has missed the boat here. Besides that, he reiterates like everybody else the same thing: we don’t need it.

Make some changes!

Whether it’s in yourself or in the world, we can all agree that a little change would be nice once in a while:

• From the Greats: 6 Tactics to Increase Your Class and Charm [Dumb Little Man] – The old days weren’t perfect, and I wouldn’t want to bring all of it back (sexism, racism, etc.), but people – especially men – carried themselves differently back then. They had respect for themselves, and that’s something we can agree needs to come back.
• Why Rejection Letters are Great [Write to Done] – Yeah, this is about business and writing, but it could easily be called “Why Rejection Is Great”. In other words, rejection puts you one step closer to success.
• the only thing you can change [mnmlist] – Putting big life changes in perspective. If you feel like you’re in over your head, read this one.
• 6 Proven Ways to Make New Habits Stick [Stepcase Lifehack] – Want to go to the gym? Get up earlier? Eat healthier? Start here.
• How to Lose Weight: 6 of My Own Favorite Tips [The Positivity Blog] – Hint: it’s really not that complicated.
• 9 Great Ways to Be Exceptionally Boring [Stepcase Lifehack, again] – This blog really showed me this last week why I kept it in my Google Reader feeds. This is a quick article showing you the habits that make you a bore (and somebody nobody wants to really be around).
• 34 Little Ways to Share With the World [Zen Habits] – The beauty of today’s internet is that anyone can make big changes with small actions. Here are 34 of them.
• Give Up [Rock Your Day] – Stop expecting things to go well all the time. Life doesn’t owe you jack. Then you’ll see some awesome things happen.
• 42 Practical Ways To Improve Yourself [Stepcase Lifehack] – I’m a sucker for any post with the word “practical” in the title, but this one is a great summation of different ways you can make yourself a better person. Pick one that intrigues you and give it a shot!

Money, money, money, money, moneeyyyyyyy…

No list is complete without some money tips. Here are my favorites from the last two weeks:

• Is It Possible to Manage Credit Cards Well? [Christian Personal Finance] – No. No it isn’t. I got ripped to shreds on Facebook the other day for posting a similar anti-credit card article. Makes me sad.
• 10 Ways To Simplify Your Life [Christian Personal Finance] – Here are some great ways to cut out the clutter in your life and make yourself a little money in the process.
• Why Do You Buy? [The Simple Dollar] – This is a remarkable trick: the next time you go to buy something, ask yourself “Why?” five times, just like a little kid. I bet you will wind up saving a little more money.
• 5 Tips For Going Out to Eat on a Budget [Christian Personal Finance] – I am a big proponent of cooking for yourself, but it’s nice to go out to eat once in a while. But don’t blow the bank account when you do by following these tips.
• How To Buy a $5,000 Car [MoneyTalksNews] – We are a nation full of people that pay too much for their cars. Talk about reliability all you want, but you buy the newer car for the flash. Otherwise, we’d all be driving Toyota Corollas or something. If you want to avoid the car payment trap, you need to buy a good used car. This is a great guide.
• Seven Reasons To Care About The Tiny Things (And Seven Tiny Things To Care About) [The Simple Dollar] – Chances are, the tiny things are more controllable than the large things. And they add up.

In six months, I will be tying the knot. I will be 25 years old, and changing my life completely. And I couldn’t be more excited.

Guys around me think they’re being funny. They give me the "*cough*Don’tdoit!*cough*" gag and tell me how women change after you marry them. That I should stay "free" as long as possible.

They’re idiots.

I can’t wait to be married. I am ready to settle down with the woman I love. Why should I put it off? Here is just a partial list of the benefits of being married that I am looking forward to:

• Companionship. Even the toughest people in the world need someone to share life with. I don’t care if you consider yourself a "loner" or "somebody who doesn’t NEED anybody", everyone needs relationships. You are not just signing on to your home life with the person, you are signing on to a lifelong friendship – the most intimate of friendships you can have, and that’s something everybody needs. Amanda and I don’t just think we should get married; we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. We can joke around and poke fun at each other when we want to, and when we can be ourselves, we know we’ve got it made.
• Responsibility. Any time I see another "man-child" out there, I get a little sick to my stomach. I don’t know when we all decided that our 20s were just an extension of our stupid teenage years. Our grandparents and great-grandparents served our country in wars when they were 18. I’m not saying we need to serve in wars, but we’re old enough to support ourselves and start making adult decisions. Let’s man up. Getting married means your actions start affecting other people (spouse, children, etc.), and men and women need to start settling down in their 20s. Yes, we’re still young, but is that an excuse to waste our time?
• Building a Family. I want children. I want to be a father. I can’t wait (well, actually, I CAN wait a few years, but I’m excited). I was a weird child who always looked forward to having kids someday. Marriage is another step towards being the patriarch of a family.
• Sex. I’m sure a lot of readers will chuckle at this, given the society that we live in today that promotes lots of random, meaningless sex for fun (thank you, 1960s). But I am looking forward to my wedding night, and the many nights after that where I can connect with my wife on a physical level. We’ve cheapened sex to be a strictly physical act, and yet we all know there is more to it – we’ve just trained ourselves to ignore it. Sex is emotional, it’s mental, and it is spiritual, and not just for women, either. Getting married is a sign to your loved one that you promise you are dedicating your body to that person as well.
• My Last Name. There’s a branch of feminism that all of a sudden became offended at the idea that "you must take the husband’s last name". Women who feel this way are forgetting what the last name means to us men. To me, my last name is part of my identity. It’s not just a part of tradition (cue the Fiddler On The Roof music), it’s something that defines me. I don’t force my last name on my wife – I give it to her as a gift. It’s a sign of love that I am giving something that means so much to me.
• Teamwork. Hand-in-hand with companionship, you are a team with your spouse. You need to have the same goals financially, spiritually, and everything in between. Getting married gives you a teammate – someone who can run the race of life with you and support you while you support her.

Now, this isn’t just a giant love letter to my fiancé to make her cry (because I’m sure she’s choked up reading this at this point), I also want to share with you how to approach your engagement and marriage to do it right and ensure that the two of you will be happy for years to come:

Get yourself on the same page, spiritually.

Don’t do this and you are asking for trouble. It is absolutely number one. Marriage is not a time for changing somebody – you take that person at face value, however they are, the moment you propose. Telling someone you want to marry them is telling them that you want them exactly the way they are, for the rest of your life. Try to raise children in a household where Dad is one religion and Mom doesn’t go to church, or they worship differently, or believe something different, and the kid will be confused and you run a huge risk of the child abandoning God altogether. If you marry someone of a different religion than you, you are sending the message to the family and to the world that there are other things more important to you than your faith. It says it’s okay to compromise your belief system. Take that to heart, please. Is that a message you want to send?

Divorce is not an option.

We live in a society of pathetic cowards. Too harsh? Look at the divorce rate. You need to treat your wedding as more than just a day to party. You need to treat marriage as more than just taking on a roommate. Getting married is a promise to be with that person for the rest of your lives. Period. Our grandparents and great-grandparents didn’t get divorced at nearly the rate we do. Does this mean they were in unhealthy, miserable relationships? Nope. Heck, just look around at the old people that are married to this day. When shopping around for halls for our wedding, Amanda and I went to an old dance hall on a Sunday afternoon and saw old couples dancing together with smiles on their faces as the men held their women’s hands. I bartended a get-together for World War II veterans and watched with a big smile on my face as the elderly couples who could barely walk took to the dance floor to hold each other lovingly and move to the music one more time together. These are people that are bonded together through years of hardship and troubles. They worked through their problems instead of running from them. The result of that is they could never be happier. Of course there are exceptions – an unfaithful spouse deserves to be kicked to the curb. But let’s remove "irreconcilable differences" from our vocabulary and start honoring the vows we’ve made.

Guys, get the blessing from her family (especially the father).

Marrying someone in defiance of the family doesn’t work, so knock it off. It’s not a statement about independence. Two days before I proposed to my fiancé, I sat down with her parents in their living room and asked their permission to marry their daughter. It’s not really about "getting their permission". It’s about showing respect to them. When you get married, you become a part of your spouse’s family. The old cliché is true – you marry your spouse’s family. For the rest of your life, you are part of their family, and they are a part of yours. You may not always do things the way they do things, but respect them regardless. You may butt heads, but show love for them just as you love your own family.

Ignore the mainstream messages about proposing and wedding planning.

Myth #1: You need to spend 3 months’ worth of income on an engagement ring. Fact: Get a ring that you can afford in the style that you know she’ll love. Myth #2: You need to do X, Y, and Z at your wedding and spend $25,000 on it. Fact: It makes no sense to go into heaping amounts of debt for your wedding day. You don’t want to start your marriage on a negative note. Instead, sit down together and prioritize what you want for your wedding (and #1 would be that you are marrying each other), then set a budget and stick to it. If at all possible, pay cash for the wedding and work your butt off to get there. It will make it that much more enjoyable when the day comes.

Live apart before you are married.

"WHAT?!?" Yup. I mean it. If not for the spiritual reasons, think about this: what significance does a wedding hold if the bride and groom are living together already? What kind of step is this? A good friend of mine once told me it was like "Taking her out for a test drive", because you don’t buy a car without testing it out first. With all due respect to him and his wife (who I both love dearly, by the way!), I think this destroys a big part of the romanticism of the marriage. Asking someone to move in together is just telling them that they don’t mean enough to you to marry yet.

Do the honorable thing and go all in or get out. Dating and courtship is about getting to know the other person emotionally and otherwise. Marriage is when you learn to live with them on a daily basis. You may disagree, and that’s fine. But to me, there’s no honor in living together before you are married. I think it’s a wimpy way to go. She’s not a car, she’s a human being. Side note: the more socially-acceptable this step has been, the higher the divorce rate has gotten in this country. Think about that.

Fight before you propose.

The kids who rush into marriage do so before they even know the other person. You can’t just base your relationship on how happy you make each other. You also have to look at how you two handle the hard times. Do you get distant when things get tough, or do you two bond together and work through problems? Do you have to constantly remind your significant other that they need to be there for you when you need them, or do they show up and let you lean on them, no questions asked?

I’ve told Amanda that I knew I loved her when she came to me with a problem she had with me and had an honest, emotional discussion with me about it. I knew I was going to marry her when I came to her with a problem in my life, and she let me lean on her and calmed me down, without asking any questions. Your marriage won’t always be rosy (as evident by the stinking divorce rate), so you need to know that you two can handle adversity together.

Do nothing together.

The other problematic relationships I see are ones where the couple is constantly going out every weekend. Every date they have, they go somewhere new and fun, or they go out with friends. This is fine, but when you get married, you’re not going to get home from work and then go out somewhere every night. There will be lots of nights where you two will literally do nothing together. You need to know that you’re not going to drive each other mad – that you honestly enjoy each other’s company, pure and simple. And yes, you can do this without moving in together. (Side note: you’ll save a little money along the way, too!)

Is it ridiculous that I’m doling out marriage advice six months before I get married? Not really. I give this advice watching four marriages very closely (my parents’ and my three older brothers’), as well as looking at the simple facts of the world that everybody accepts as reality. Marriage and relationships don’t have to be "progressive" – let’s take an old-fashioned stance on them. My fiancé and I, through thick and thin over the last year and a half, are a great couple. You know why? We work at it. We do our due diligence, and we make sure that we do it together. I love her very much, and it takes a true man to admit that publicly. Let’s put some honor back in our relationships. Please.

Your thoughts? Any married people out there who want to argue with this?

Ever see a couple fight? Do you think that maybe they are just a terrible couple, or “Gee, I guess they wound up with the wrong person!” Actually, I think just the opposite (depending on how they’re arguing, I guess – more on that later): there’s a couple that cares.

Fighting is great for a relationship, because it shows that it means something to you. What would you rather have: somebody that butts heads with you or somebody that shows complete apathy for anything you say or do? I’ve dated girls for years without fighting with them, and none of them worked out. It didn’t matter that we got along – it was a sign that somebody just didn’t care. And when somebody doesn’t care about the relationship, it will tank. Mark my words on that. So here are some tips on how to fight best, without hurting the relationship:

Speak out. Soon.

Got a problem? Say something, and say something now. Don’t even finish reading this post (it’ll be here when you get back, anyway!). Go have at it. Bottling up your emotions just breeds more resentment and more problems. If my fiance has a problem, I want her to come talk to me right away. That way, it gets resolved before it snowballs out of control.

Avoid personal insult.

This is a biggie. If you are just kinda bantering playfully, feel free to poke fun at each other. But if you are discussing a very serious aspect of your relationship (i.e., money, kids, fidelity, etc.), you better keep it serious. And never seriously say something hurtful to the other person. It accomplishes nothing and you’ll wind up regretting it.

Leave other people out of it.

Chances are, this is about the two of you. Don’t waste your breath talking about how somebody else is doing it. A favorite line from Jeff Foxworthy goes like this: “Arguing is better when you’re married because once you get done running down everything you can say about the other person, now you get to bring family into it. Like we’ll be arguing, and I’ll tell my wife, ‘Well, I guess we’re going to have to live like your fat, alcoholic mother then…” It’s a funny joke, but it is obviously a satire on relationship arguments. Other people aren’t going to solve your problems. Deal with them one-on-one.

Cliche: “Don’t go to bed angry.”

People underestimate the power of their subconscious, especially when they sleep. Your brain is still working in the background. If you still have some dumb argument in your head, your brain will blow it up to gargantuan proportions by the time you wake up in the morning. Oh, and that will just make the next argument worse.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, regardless of how hard that is.

Another basic one – they have a perspective too! Chances are, it might even be a valid one in their mind. That’s why they’re arguing that point! If you want to resolve conflict, you need to know why a person is bothered by this and where they got their solution from. I’m not saying you have to agree with the other person, but try to see it from their side, knowing their upbringing and their life experience.

Do it behind closed doors.

Ugh. If you are in the supermarket, don’t be yelling at the person you are with. If you happen to be walking through a mall, don’t scream into your cell phone. Other people don’t want to know about your business, and they don’t need to hear about it, either. Remove yourself from the premises and go somewhere private (like back to your car).

Bring a solution to the table.

This is the hardest one: have some kind of plan. If you are just arguing, nothing will get done. Come up with an offer to reconcile the situation. If she comes back with one too, then you can sit down and compromise. Everybody hates that word, but it’s the secret to having a productive argument that will resolve some conflict.

Don’t stress over arguing. If you find yourself breaking these rules, then you have issues to work out. What about you? What do you think about arguing and how to do it effectively?

Yup, I’m engaged. So what does that mean for you?

The average wedding budget is $20,000. My bride-to-be and I don’t have that kind of money. And neither do you, probably. So what do you do? You Google around “how to budget for a wedding” and get a bunch of ideas that you don’t want to do and wind up paying over $15,000 anyway. Well, I made a pact with myself that I would start throwing in a few more personal stories on this blog – stuff you can learn from, though – and this seemed like a good place to start. Let’s set the stage for our wedding plans, and I’ll walk you through it periodically as it happens. Throughout this story, there will be ample opportunities for all of us to share and discuss advice on wedding planning, and ways we can all save a little scratch.

The bride and groom

I was going to put a goofy picture here, but I figured I’d get in trouble. That’s me on the left, and Amanda on the right (to clear up any confusion). We’ve been dating for over a year, and we’re pretty crazy about each other. Dating for over a year has allowed us to get out of that “honeymoon phase” of the relationship and be able to deal with actual relationship problems. We’re adults, and we act like it (most of the time).

The goal, and the problem

Everybody knows what the goal is: a dream wedding. Amanda, like most typical girls, has dreamt of her wedding since she was a little girl. She knows what she wants. Believe it or not, I too am a guy who’s excited about the wedding. I enjoy weddings a lot and while I want it to be nice, I want it to be fun for everybody involved.

The problem here, predictably, lies in the budget. Amanda and I don’t make a whole lot of money, and we have bills to pay in the meantime. Normally, tradition dictates that the parents contribute certain amounts to the wedding. Amanda’s parents are putting kids through school yet, so their budget is very limited. I owe my parents more than what they gave to each of my older brothers for their weddings, so we’re going to split the difference. In essence, other than a few things my fiance’s parents want to contribute to, we are on our own for this thing.

And that’s okay. There’s no sense in getting frustrated or angry about it. We understand that all the parents would love to contribute if they could. A wedding is a big expense, and it’s understandable that they might not be able to. But now that means we need to get creative.

So, what happens after the engagement?

I know a lot of couples that get engaged and then, nothing happens. They sit around, engaged.

Do you know these people?

But when you’re on a budget, you need to know EXACTLY how much money you’re going to have to spend! Amanda and I have been engaged for 10 days, and we’ve already researched a TON of stuff. You know why? Because you have to book all this stuff in advance, and dates can fill up quickly! Heck, some halls we’ve looked at are already booked for next October (which is when we’re getting married). So stop waiting around. You made the decision that you would be getting married. Step up. You’re engaged, so get married already.

Figure out a time of year

Amanda and I didn’t want a summer wedding, because:

A. It’s hot, which means I’ll be miserable (I’m a winter man).

B. Everybody else does it.

That letter B is a big one for anybody. It’s not just a matter of being original. If you go to a hall or a photographer you like, and make demands that they don’t want to do (or at least not for the price you want), they can just go to the next couple that’s having their wedding that day. Summers are packed with weddings, and couples lose strong negotiating power when they go that route. Winter weddings can be dangerous in Wisconsin, so we decided on either a spring wedding or a fall wedding. Because we didn’t want to wait more than a year, we settled on next October.

That’s the first step in determining prices and your game plan. Picking a less popular season will open up pricing for you, and now you know how much time you have to plan. The first question everybody will ask, from cake decorators to churches, is “When is the big day?” Before you do anything, have an answer for that question.

Sign up at TheKnot.com

Everybody knows somebody who planned their wedding using The Knot. I thought it was just for those kinda-corny wedding sites that people put together, but it’s actually a great resource. It not only gives you one place to store all your notes about the wedding, the most impressive and useful feature is their checklist, which guides you through every aspect of wedding planning throughout the year. It helps keep my future bride’s head on straight, which is my goal over the next year.

Decide on what you won’t compromise on

In our wedding, we had a few things:

• Has to be on a Saturday – Fridays couldn’t work because certain bridesmaids have school. Sundays won’t work because we want everyone there good and late.
• Has to be in her church – No destination weddings for us (her decision). No city hall, either.
• Has to have a nice dinner – more on that in a future post.

It’s not a bad list of things, but it does limit a few options, budget-wise. And that’s okay. It’s her dream wedding, and it’s our job to get us there somehow.

Figure out where the money’s coming from

Work out some savings opportunities in your budget. Cut down your bills to the bare minimum. Consider agreeing to give less to each other on birthdays and holidays this year. Work a little freelance work on the side. Find whatever way you can to put together the income you need.

Ask your parents for a guest list draft

Our parents will not be running our wedding, but they do know those obscure Aunt Bertha’s that will be grossly offended if you don’t invite her, despite you not seeing her since you were a baby. You can always pare it down after you get it, but start with everybody and work your way down.

Next time, we’ll talk about getting that reception hall that you want for the big day. Until then…

This month’s issue of Men’s Health magazine featured a list entitled “17 Things That Waste Your Time”. It had a lot of great stuff in it, and as I read it, I thought about a bunch of things in this world that just flat-out need to go. The beauty of this list is that it’s all stuff we have the power to change. So here are things that I believe we all need to kick to the curb and rid our lives of:

1. Your massive ego. Pride is great. Confidence is great. But back those things up with your actions. And if you think you’re awesome, you stop learning and growing. Stay humble and keep on learning. You need it.

2. Men’s “marriage is a trap” attitude. A real man knows when he finds the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Today’s “man” likes to say that staying married to the same person is like being in a jail cell. The hippies of the world like to say that free love and lots of wild, “free” sex is the way to go. I can’t think of anything more manly than respecting the love of your life and committing yourself to her forever. And in that same vein…

3. Meaningless marriages and constant divorces. Marriage is a contract. It is a public statement that you will be faithful to your spouse until death. When you get divorced, you are telling everyone around you that you are a liar. Plain and simple. Love is a great part of a relationship, but it needs to be balanced out with logic: can you spend the rest of your life with him/her as he/she is, right now, every day, morning-noon-and-night? Realistically answer that question before you pop the other question.

4. Paying bloated prices on anything. Think you can’t get it cheaper? Think again. Television shows, music, movies, weddings, cars, homes, you name it. We live in a world today where you can get anything on a budget that will last a long time with proper care and attention. Instead of just getting the eye candy or the “hip” new thing, figure out what you need and pay for that.

5. A Sloppy appearance. I say time and again that I was born in the wrong decade. There was a time when a man was a man when he was in a suit, and a woman was a woman when she was in a skirt (or a nice pair of slacks – I’m not a sexist or anything). I walk around and I see baggy pants with boxers hanging out, shirts that reveal “tramp stamps”, boobs hanging half out of shirts, and various vulgarities plastered across t-shirts and the butts of sweatpants. Take some pride in your appearance: cut your hair – or at least wash it, trim your facial hair (if you’ve got it), wash your clothes, and for the love of Pete, bathe properly. Brush your teeth. Wear clothes that fit. Limit your tattoos and your piercings. You’re not a kid anymore, start looking like an adult.

6. Rudeness to strangers. I was going to put “lousy customer service” here, but it goes farther than that. When you make eye contact with someone – anyone – shoot them a quick smile, a nod, or even a “Hi”. It makes their day pleasant, and it makes your day a little more pleasant too.

7. Texting language. Too many abbreviations. I’ll tell you right now, I judge your intellect based on your online behavior. You are in front of a full keyboard, and you must have taken some sort of typing class (and spelling classes) in your lifetime. Spell out the words and use proper grammar already.

8. Getting drunk every time you touch a beer (or drink). Some of the best times I’ve had with my best buddy is when we go out to a bar, have two good beers, and then call it a night. What is this fascination with getting ripped every night? You feel like garbage in the morning, you look like garbage in the morning, and you lose a crapload of money that you could have spent on something more important. It’s stupid. Have a little respect for yourself and know when to quit.

9. Escaping reality. From spending hours upon hours playing video games to smoking weed or the aforementioned getting plastered all the time, what are you running from? Live life. Put your money towards reality. If you are just looking for an escape, try looking for a real escape – identify the problems in your life and the steps you can take to change them. It’s in your hands, not anyone else’s.

10. “Reality” TV. The bulk of reality shows on television are heavily edited and acted to manipulate your emotions. Instead of watching the trials and tribulations of somebody else and their personal lives, get your butt off the couch and go have some experiences of your own. You know why executives put these shows on TV? They’re cheap. That’s it. They’re cheap, and they know that a bunch of lazy people will sit around and watch it, crying or getting upset, while they rake in the cash.

“Did you see what happened last night on ‘America’s Fattest Fatties’? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and then cried for 20 minutes!”

11. Whining. Take a strong look at how much of your day you spend complaining. Do you forward a bunch of emails that tend to start with “I can’t believe Bush/Obama/Palin did [insert something horrible here]…” Is it important to remain informed and educated about the goings-on of the world? Absolutely. It’s your duty to. But stop spending so much time telling others about how much it bugs you. Have something else to talk about.

12. The personal lives and political leanings of celebrities. Alec Baldwin and George Clooney are rabid Democrats. I’m a conservative man. And guess what? I still think Baldwin’s hilarious (even though I don’t care for 30 Rock) and I want to see The Men Who Stare At Goats. Their personal lives have no effect on me. I have my own life. Those guys exist to entertain me. That’s their job, regardless of what they think. Remember Jon and Kate Gosselin? I don’t care that they’re divorced. It doesn’t change anything for me. And guess what? It really doesn’t change anything for you either.

13. Your sense of entitlement. I learned something a long, long time ago: I don’t deserve crap. I ran a marketing business for two years, but I don’t deserve more clients or a good position at a marketing firm somewhere. I have a college degree, but that doesn’t give me the right to a job. I’ve put up with a lot of hardships in my life and made a lot of sacrifices, but that doesn’t mean I deserve a good life now. I have to work at it. You only get somewhere in life by the sweat of your brow. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and learn from your experiences. That will make you infinitely more dangerous, and you will ultimately succeed.

14. The “I can’t live without my ________” attitude. Yes, you can. Sorry, iPod lovers. There was actually a time when you didn’t have access to all of your music at all times. You had to walk down the street and listen to – *gasp* – nothing! And all you DVR-addicts, you used to have to set a VCR, or even watch it LIVE! Bathroom breaks only during commercials? Oh, the horror! And take care of yourself by eating right and exercising, and you’ll have more energy that you can fit into that “must-have” morning cup of coffee.

15. Accepting your lot in life. You don’t deserve better, but you can certainly have better. But it’s up to you. It ain’t gonna fall in your lap.

16. Constant cursing. Curse words exist for impact. A well-placed one can stop a conversation dead in its tracks. That’s what they’re there for. Censor yourself and use it only when necessary. Not only that, have some respect for the people around you. Not everybody wants to hear your barrage of filth. And hey, since when did “free speech” turn into the right to be a jackass to everybody around you? And yes, I’m aware of what word I just used.

17. Cheap beer. Busch Light, Natty Light, Milwaukee’s Best, and God help me, Pabst Blue Ribbon. Have some respect for yourself and your liver. Put something quality in there. Find some awesome local brews in your area. Yeah, it’ll cost a couple more bucks, but you’ll be drinking with a little more dignity (and besides, remember #8? It’s not like you’ll be drinking 18 of them anyway!).

18. Paper. I’m a strong advocate for paperless offices, and it’s not because it’s better for the environment or anything. It’s because it works better, it’s more secure, and it’s more organized. People complain about the reliability of computers and networks, but that’s because they haven’t taken the proper steps to secure them. Using Evernote in your every day life and combining it with the myriad of services that Google offers, and you have nothing to worry about, whether you are online or offline.

19. The “everybody is right” philosophy. If everybody is right, then nobody is right. There’s a strong movement in this world that you need to believe that everyone’s religious beliefs are right for them. You know what that means? That means that it doesn’t matter, and we’re all screwed. I’m a Christian. It is my fundamental belief that a lot of people’s beliefs are wrong. Guess what? That’s okay. That’s what gives my faith meaning – if I’m right, certain people in this world have to be wrong. That doesn’t mean you are better than them. It just means you are putting stock in something. Along those same lines…

20. Blind faith. A lot of fundamental Christians believe in God because they were raised that way. They don’t have a single intelligent argument for anybody else’s belief systems. They just rely on the “you’re going to hell” argument. If you’ve got faith in something, take time every day to continually educate yourself on that faith and the beliefs of others. Intelligent debate still exists, it’s just that people don’t take the time to do it anymore. Don’t just fall into insults (like many commenters on this post will undoubtedly do).

21. Money as a status symbol. You are not your stuff. You are what you do. You are what you believe. You are what people perceive you to be. Instead of spending all that energy on accumulating more crap, work on how you treat your fellow man/woman. Focus on doing things for your loved ones and show that you appreciate them. Have some pride in whatever work you do. Respect yourself and the world around you. That’s the key to being well-liked and respected. Give and you shall receive.

Those are all the ones I came up with. What stuff in this world do you think needs to go? Share them with us in the comments! Let’s talk!

Think about that smile on your face – is it a true, honest smile? Here’s a quick test: picture a young boy running around and playing. Listen to that laugh that’s bursting out of him; look closely at the joy in his eyes. That’s real happiness. Do you have that look on your face?

Especially in the blogosphere, happiness is a popular topic. We all talk about choosing happiness. I mean heck, my free ebook for signing up for the Practical Nerd Newsletter is called the 3 Keys To Happiness. We all want to be happy. It’s too obvious of a statement to write here, but I’m still going to say it.

But what’s the difference between real happiness and fake happiness? There are times in your life when you may actually try to force happiness into your life – when you have this ideal image of how life should look for you, and you shoehorn your way into that position. But when you do that, you fail to understand that we human beings are fallible. We make mistakes. Sometimes, we might think something is a good idea, and it’s actually a colossally stupid move.

You buy that house that you really can’t afford right now because you think you should be in a house right now. You stay with that abusive boyfriend because you think he’ll come around. You get married to that girl because you wanted to be married by this age. You buy that iPhone so that you can join in the conversation. You hang around in that job you hate because you think happy people have these types of careers by now.

Seeing a pattern? You are using all these external issues to fuel what’s going on inside. Without the right approach to happiness, you will just accumulate debts, have loveless marriages (and divorces), and be miserable at your job.

Let’s change this course of action, shall we? How can you allow yourself to be happy without trying to push it?

Be happy with what you’ve got, for cryin’ out loud!

We all have more than we think. As a U.S. citizen, I live in a culture that thrives on envy and greed. We all want more because somebody else has more. You will never be able to satisfy that craving. Last week, I wrote about finding your positive attitude in life. Compared to past generations, we have more than we could possibly wish for. Stop the selfishness and allow yourself to enjoy and savor what you do have.

Keep on learning.

As you grow and learn, you will build confidence and perspective. Discover new ways to approach issues. Learn about other cultures that may not be as blessed as we are. You instantly start realizing where you are truly at in life. It also exercises your brain, which is great for your attitude.

Get off your butt.

Finish reading The Practical Nerd (I insist!), and then get up. Either go outside, or walk around the house for a few minutes. If you’re at the office, take a fiver and go outside for a quick breath of fresh air. Moving around gets your blood pumping, which gives you more energy and boosts your overall attitude.

Analyze your relationships objectively.

This is a hard one: you may have a loved one or significant other that you’ve been with for a very long time. It’s old and reliable, like a shoe. But if you are in an abusive relationship or one that just isn’t going anywhere, get out of it. You deserve more than that, and so does the other person. If you’ve got friends that are constantly taking advantage of you or are brushing you aside, start ignoring them for a while. If they come back, tell them why you pulled away. If they don’t, you can find new friends.

Focus on the right stuff.

Life is not about what happens to you – it’s about how you handle it. Instead of thinking about all that’s gone wrong in your life, start thinking about how you plan to attack these problems, step-by-step. Think about what you can control – the rest of it isn’t worth worrying about.

Take some time to laugh.

Set aside a little time every day to wind down. Throw on a DVD of something that makes you laugh and watch a little. Do nothing else. Leave your laptop in your office (or in your laptop bag) and just be in the moment for a few minutes. Give your brain that break, and it will reward you handsomely when you need it to work its hardest.

Be realistic about life.

If you are shooting for the moon and fully expecting to get there tomorrow, stop. Set realistic goals and the steps you need to take. Understand and recognize that sometimes life just plain sucks. If you are expecting it to be better, you are fooling yourself. Life is hard work from birth until death, and once you realize it, a weight falls off your shoulders.

Be happy for other people.

Just because it seems like somebody else is farther along in life than you, or it seems like they’re getting everything you think you need, be happy for them. Your happiness does not depend on the quality of their life. Besides, everybody has crap they have to deal with; some people are just better at hiding it than others.

Get your free ebook.

Last but not least, sign up for The Practical Nerd Newsletter on the left side of this page. You’ll get motivation and other insights, as well as the free ebook on the 3 Keys To Happiness. That will certainly bring a smile to your face!

Do you have any thoughts on being happy versus forcing happiness? Share in the comments!

Personal finance blog Wise Bread normally focuses on budgetary items, but when they pull out something like this post on how to have a happy marriage, they demonstrate the great lesson that life is not just about money. My favorite lesson:

13.  Laugh. My husband loves to make me laugh and is always trying to say the perfect funny thing. (More than 15 years later, I still remember when he started singing "macho man" when we saw a shirtless guy running up the road to Lookout Mountain near Chattanooga, Tennessee, where we had gone to celebrate our wedding anniversary.)

It’s a great read for any couple that aspires to go the distance. Are there any lessons you think they missed? Husbands and wives, unite – let us hear you in the comments!

Photo courtesy of SimonShaw.