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Yup, I’m engaged. So what does that mean for you?
The average wedding budget is $20,000. My bride-to-be and I don’t have that kind of money. And neither do you, probably. So what do you do? You Google around “how to budget for a wedding” and get a bunch of ideas that you don’t want to do and wind up paying over $15,000 anyway. Well, I made a pact with myself that I would start throwing in a few more personal stories on this blog – stuff you can learn from, though – and this seemed like a good place to start. Let’s set the stage for our wedding plans, and I’ll walk you through it periodically as it happens. Throughout this story, there will be ample opportunities for all of us to share and discuss advice on wedding planning, and ways we can all save a little scratch.
I was going to put a goofy picture here, but I figured I’d get in trouble. That’s me on the left, and Amanda on the right (to clear up any confusion). We’ve been dating for over a year, and we’re pretty crazy about each other. Dating for over a year has allowed us to get out of that “honeymoon phase” of the relationship and be able to deal with actual relationship problems. We’re adults, and we act like it (most of the time).
Everybody knows what the goal is: a dream wedding. Amanda, like most typical girls, has dreamt of her wedding since she was a little girl. She knows what she wants. Believe it or not, I too am a guy who’s excited about the wedding. I enjoy weddings a lot and while I want it to be nice, I want it to be fun for everybody involved.
The problem here, predictably, lies in the budget. Amanda and I don’t make a whole lot of money, and we have bills to pay in the meantime. Normally, tradition dictates that the parents contribute certain amounts to the wedding. Amanda’s parents are putting kids through school yet, so their budget is very limited. I owe my parents more than what they gave to each of my older brothers for their weddings, so we’re going to split the difference. In essence, other than a few things my fiance’s parents want to contribute to, we are on our own for this thing.
And that’s okay. There’s no sense in getting frustrated or angry about it. We understand that all the parents would love to contribute if they could. A wedding is a big expense, and it’s understandable that they might not be able to. But now that means we need to get creative.
I know a lot of couples that get engaged and then, nothing happens. They sit around, engaged.
Do you know these people?
But when you’re on a budget, you need to know EXACTLY how much money you’re going to have to spend! Amanda and I have been engaged for 10 days, and we’ve already researched a TON of stuff. You know why? Because you have to book all this stuff in advance, and dates can fill up quickly! Heck, some halls we’ve looked at are already booked for next October (which is when we’re getting married). So stop waiting around. You made the decision that you would be getting married. Step up. You’re engaged, so get married already.
Amanda and I didn’t want a summer wedding, because:
A. It’s hot, which means I’ll be miserable (I’m a winter man).
B. Everybody else does it.
That letter B is a big one for anybody. It’s not just a matter of being original. If you go to a hall or a photographer you like, and make demands that they don’t want to do (or at least not for the price you want), they can just go to the next couple that’s having their wedding that day. Summers are packed with weddings, and couples lose strong negotiating power when they go that route. Winter weddings can be dangerous in Wisconsin, so we decided on either a spring wedding or a fall wedding. Because we didn’t want to wait more than a year, we settled on next October.
That’s the first step in determining prices and your game plan. Picking a less popular season will open up pricing for you, and now you know how much time you have to plan. The first question everybody will ask, from cake decorators to churches, is “When is the big day?” Before you do anything, have an answer for that question.
Everybody knows somebody who planned their wedding using The Knot. I thought it was just for those kinda-corny wedding sites that people put together, but it’s actually a great resource. It not only gives you one place to store all your notes about the wedding, the most impressive and useful feature is their checklist, which guides you through every aspect of wedding planning throughout the year. It helps keep my future bride’s head on straight, which is my goal over the next year.
In our wedding, we had a few things:
It’s not a bad list of things, but it does limit a few options, budget-wise. And that’s okay. It’s her dream wedding, and it’s our job to get us there somehow.
Work out some savings opportunities in your budget. Cut down your bills to the bare minimum. Consider agreeing to give less to each other on birthdays and holidays this year. Work a little freelance work on the side. Find whatever way you can to put together the income you need.
Our parents will not be running our wedding, but they do know those obscure Aunt Bertha’s that will be grossly offended if you don’t invite her, despite you not seeing her since you were a baby. You can always pare it down after you get it, but start with everybody and work your way down.
Next time, we’ll talk about getting that reception hall that you want for the big day. Until then…
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This month’s issue of Men’s Health magazine featured a list entitled “17 Things That Waste Your Time”. It had a lot of great stuff in it, and as I read it, I thought about a bunch of things in this world that just flat-out need to go. The beauty of this list is that it’s all stuff we have the power to change. So here are things that I believe we all need to kick to the curb and rid our lives of:
1. Your massive ego. Pride is great. Confidence is great. But back those things up with your actions. And if you think you’re awesome, you stop learning and growing. Stay humble and keep on learning. You need it.
2. Men’s “marriage is a trap” attitude. A real man knows when he finds the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Today’s “man” likes to say that staying married to the same person is like being in a jail cell. The hippies of the world like to say that free love and lots of wild, “free” sex is the way to go. I can’t think of anything more manly than respecting the love of your life and committing yourself to her forever. And in that same vein…
3. Meaningless marriages and constant divorces. Marriage is a contract. It is a public statement that you will be faithful to your spouse until death. When you get divorced, you are telling everyone around you that you are a liar. Plain and simple. Love is a great part of a relationship, but it needs to be balanced out with logic: can you spend the rest of your life with him/her as he/she is, right now, every day, morning-noon-and-night? Realistically answer that question before you pop the other question.
4. Paying bloated prices on anything. Think you can’t get it cheaper? Think again. Television shows, music, movies, weddings, cars, homes, you name it. We live in a world today where you can get anything on a budget that will last a long time with proper care and attention. Instead of just getting the eye candy or the “hip” new thing, figure out what you need and pay for that.
5. A Sloppy appearance. I say time and again that I was born in the wrong decade. There was a time when a man was a man when he was in a suit, and a woman was a woman when she was in a skirt (or a nice pair of slacks – I’m not a sexist or anything). I walk around and I see baggy pants with boxers hanging out, shirts that reveal “tramp stamps”, boobs hanging half out of shirts, and various vulgarities plastered across t-shirts and the butts of sweatpants. Take some pride in your appearance: cut your hair – or at least wash it, trim your facial hair (if you’ve got it), wash your clothes, and for the love of Pete, bathe properly. Brush your teeth. Wear clothes that fit. Limit your tattoos and your piercings. You’re not a kid anymore, start looking like an adult.
6. Rudeness to strangers. I was going to put “lousy customer service” here, but it goes farther than that. When you make eye contact with someone – anyone – shoot them a quick smile, a nod, or even a “Hi”. It makes their day pleasant, and it makes your day a little more pleasant too.
7. Texting language. Too many abbreviations. I’ll tell you right now, I judge your intellect based on your online behavior. You are in front of a full keyboard, and you must have taken some sort of typing class (and spelling classes) in your lifetime. Spell out the words and use proper grammar already.
8. Getting drunk every time you touch a beer (or drink). Some of the best times I’ve had with my best buddy is when we go out to a bar, have two good beers, and then call it a night. What is this fascination with getting ripped every night? You feel like garbage in the morning, you look like garbage in the morning, and you lose a crapload of money that you could have spent on something more important. It’s stupid. Have a little respect for yourself and know when to quit.
9. Escaping reality. From spending hours upon hours playing video games to smoking weed or the aforementioned getting plastered all the time, what are you running from? Live life. Put your money towards reality. If you are just looking for an escape, try looking for a real escape – identify the problems in your life and the steps you can take to change them. It’s in your hands, not anyone else’s.
10. “Reality” TV. The bulk of reality shows on television are heavily edited and acted to manipulate your emotions. Instead of watching the trials and tribulations of somebody else and their personal lives, get your butt off the couch and go have some experiences of your own. You know why executives put these shows on TV? They’re cheap. That’s it. They’re cheap, and they know that a bunch of lazy people will sit around and watch it, crying or getting upset, while they rake in the cash.
“Did you see what happened last night on ‘America’s Fattest Fatties’? A 900-pound woman lost a pound and a half and then cried for 20 minutes!”
11. Whining. Take a strong look at how much of your day you spend complaining. Do you forward a bunch of emails that tend to start with “I can’t believe Bush/Obama/Palin did [insert something horrible here]…” Is it important to remain informed and educated about the goings-on of the world? Absolutely. It’s your duty to. But stop spending so much time telling others about how much it bugs you. Have something else to talk about.
12. The personal lives and political leanings of celebrities. Alec Baldwin and George Clooney are rabid Democrats. I’m a conservative man. And guess what? I still think Baldwin’s hilarious (even though I don’t care for 30 Rock) and I want to see The Men Who Stare At Goats. Their personal lives have no effect on me. I have my own life. Those guys exist to entertain me. That’s their job, regardless of what they think. Remember Jon and Kate Gosselin? I don’t care that they’re divorced. It doesn’t change anything for me. And guess what? It really doesn’t change anything for you either.
13. Your sense of entitlement. I learned something a long, long time ago: I don’t deserve crap. I ran a marketing business for two years, but I don’t deserve more clients or a good position at a marketing firm somewhere. I have a college degree, but that doesn’t give me the right to a job. I’ve put up with a lot of hardships in my life and made a lot of sacrifices, but that doesn’t mean I deserve a good life now. I have to work at it. You only get somewhere in life by the sweat of your brow. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and learn from your experiences. That will make you infinitely more dangerous, and you will ultimately succeed.
14. The “I can’t live without my ________” attitude. Yes, you can. Sorry, iPod lovers. There was actually a time when you didn’t have access to all of your music at all times. You had to walk down the street and listen to – *gasp* – nothing! And all you DVR-addicts, you used to have to set a VCR, or even watch it LIVE! Bathroom breaks only during commercials? Oh, the horror! And take care of yourself by eating right and exercising, and you’ll have more energy that you can fit into that “must-have” morning cup of coffee.
15. Accepting your lot in life. You don’t deserve better, but you can certainly have better. But it’s up to you. It ain’t gonna fall in your lap.
16. Constant cursing. Curse words exist for impact. A well-placed one can stop a conversation dead in its tracks. That’s what they’re there for. Censor yourself and use it only when necessary. Not only that, have some respect for the people around you. Not everybody wants to hear your barrage of filth. And hey, since when did “free speech” turn into the right to be a jackass to everybody around you? And yes, I’m aware of what word I just used.
17. Cheap beer. Busch Light, Natty Light, Milwaukee’s Best, and God help me, Pabst Blue Ribbon. Have some respect for yourself and your liver. Put something quality in there. Find some awesome local brews in your area. Yeah, it’ll cost a couple more bucks, but you’ll be drinking with a little more dignity (and besides, remember #8? It’s not like you’ll be drinking 18 of them anyway!).
18. Paper. I’m a strong advocate for paperless offices, and it’s not because it’s better for the environment or anything. It’s because it works better, it’s more secure, and it’s more organized. People complain about the reliability of computers and networks, but that’s because they haven’t taken the proper steps to secure them. Using Evernote in your every day life and combining it with the myriad of services that Google offers, and you have nothing to worry about, whether you are online or offline.
19. The “everybody is right” philosophy. If everybody is right, then nobody is right. There’s a strong movement in this world that you need to believe that everyone’s religious beliefs are right for them. You know what that means? That means that it doesn’t matter, and we’re all screwed. I’m a Christian. It is my fundamental belief that a lot of people’s beliefs are wrong. Guess what? That’s okay. That’s what gives my faith meaning – if I’m right, certain people in this world have to be wrong. That doesn’t mean you are better than them. It just means you are putting stock in something. Along those same lines…
20. Blind faith. A lot of fundamental Christians believe in God because they were raised that way. They don’t have a single intelligent argument for anybody else’s belief systems. They just rely on the “you’re going to hell” argument. If you’ve got faith in something, take time every day to continually educate yourself on that faith and the beliefs of others. Intelligent debate still exists, it’s just that people don’t take the time to do it anymore. Don’t just fall into insults (like many commenters on this post will undoubtedly do).
21. Money as a status symbol. You are not your stuff. You are what you do. You are what you believe. You are what people perceive you to be. Instead of spending all that energy on accumulating more crap, work on how you treat your fellow man/woman. Focus on doing things for your loved ones and show that you appreciate them. Have some pride in whatever work you do. Respect yourself and the world around you. That’s the key to being well-liked and respected. Give and you shall receive.
Those are all the ones I came up with. What stuff in this world do you think needs to go? Share them with us in the comments! Let’s talk!
Think about that smile on your face – is it a true, honest smile? Here’s a quick test: picture a young boy running around and playing. Listen to that laugh that’s bursting out of him; look closely at the joy in his eyes. That’s real happiness. Do you have that look on your face?
Especially in the blogosphere, happiness is a popular topic. We all talk about choosing happiness. I mean heck, my free ebook for signing up for the Practical Nerd Newsletter is called the 3 Keys To Happiness. We all want to be happy. It’s too obvious of a statement to write here, but I’m still going to say it.
But what’s the difference between real happiness and fake happiness? There are times in your life when you may actually try to force happiness into your life – when you have this ideal image of how life should look for you, and you shoehorn your way into that position. But when you do that, you fail to understand that we human beings are fallible. We make mistakes. Sometimes, we might think something is a good idea, and it’s actually a colossally stupid move.
You buy that house that you really can’t afford right now because you think you should be in a house right now. You stay with that abusive boyfriend because you think he’ll come around. You get married to that girl because you wanted to be married by this age. You buy that iPhone so that you can join in the conversation. You hang around in that job you hate because you think happy people have these types of careers by now.
Seeing a pattern? You are using all these external issues to fuel what’s going on inside. Without the right approach to happiness, you will just accumulate debts, have loveless marriages (and divorces), and be miserable at your job.
Let’s change this course of action, shall we? How can you allow yourself to be happy without trying to push it?
We all have more than we think. As a U.S. citizen, I live in a culture that thrives on envy and greed. We all want more because somebody else has more. You will never be able to satisfy that craving. Last week, I wrote about finding your positive attitude in life. Compared to past generations, we have more than we could possibly wish for. Stop the selfishness and allow yourself to enjoy and savor what you do have.
As you grow and learn, you will build confidence and perspective. Discover new ways to approach issues. Learn about other cultures that may not be as blessed as we are. You instantly start realizing where you are truly at in life. It also exercises your brain, which is great for your attitude.
Finish reading The Practical Nerd (I insist!), and then get up. Either go outside, or walk around the house for a few minutes. If you’re at the office, take a fiver and go outside for a quick breath of fresh air. Moving around gets your blood pumping, which gives you more energy and boosts your overall attitude.
This is a hard one: you may have a loved one or significant other that you’ve been with for a very long time. It’s old and reliable, like a shoe. But if you are in an abusive relationship or one that just isn’t going anywhere, get out of it. You deserve more than that, and so does the other person. If you’ve got friends that are constantly taking advantage of you or are brushing you aside, start ignoring them for a while. If they come back, tell them why you pulled away. If they don’t, you can find new friends.
Life is not about what happens to you – it’s about how you handle it. Instead of thinking about all that’s gone wrong in your life, start thinking about how you plan to attack these problems, step-by-step. Think about what you can control – the rest of it isn’t worth worrying about.
Set aside a little time every day to wind down. Throw on a DVD of something that makes you laugh and watch a little. Do nothing else. Leave your laptop in your office (or in your laptop bag) and just be in the moment for a few minutes. Give your brain that break, and it will reward you handsomely when you need it to work its hardest.
If you are shooting for the moon and fully expecting to get there tomorrow, stop. Set realistic goals and the steps you need to take. Understand and recognize that sometimes life just plain sucks. If you are expecting it to be better, you are fooling yourself. Life is hard work from birth until death, and once you realize it, a weight falls off your shoulders.
Just because it seems like somebody else is farther along in life than you, or it seems like they’re getting everything you think you need, be happy for them. Your happiness does not depend on the quality of their life. Besides, everybody has crap they have to deal with; some people are just better at hiding it than others.
Last but not least, sign up for The Practical Nerd Newsletter on the left side of this page. You’ll get motivation and other insights, as well as the free ebook on the 3 Keys To Happiness. That will certainly bring a smile to your face!
Do you have any thoughts on being happy versus forcing happiness? Share in the comments!
Personal finance blog Wise Bread normally focuses on budgetary items, but when they pull out something like this post on how to have a happy marriage, they demonstrate the great lesson that life is not just about money. My favorite lesson:
13. Laugh. My husband loves to make me laugh and is always trying to say the perfect funny thing. (More than 15 years later, I still remember when he started singing "macho man" when we saw a shirtless guy running up the road to Lookout Mountain near Chattanooga, Tennessee, where we had gone to celebrate our wedding anniversary.)
It’s a great read for any couple that aspires to go the distance. Are there any lessons you think they missed? Husbands and wives, unite – let us hear you in the comments!
James S. Huggins delivers a funny little list of college courses for men and women as taught by the opposite sex. My favorites:
For women:
104 Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping Without My Friends)
For men:
108 Parenting – No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
Have a nice laugh today and enjoy yourself for a few minutes!
