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The Beatles knew it. Sometimes, we all need help. But asking somebody to give us a hand can really feel like pulling out your own teeth sometimes, doesn’t it? I’m a fiercely independent man. I won’t ask for help on something until I am completely backed into a corner.
Why are we scared to ask for help?
- It makes us look vulnerable. If you’re the type that likes being looked to as somebody who can get the job done in any situation, you hate asking for help just because you think it makes you look weak.
- It may inconvenience somebody else. Even if they tell you repeatedly that it’s not that big of a deal, you still feel guilty making somebody else compromise their time to bail you out.
- We don’t think we need it. To some degree, we all have that feeling that we can accomplish anything. We’ve been told that since birth (“you can do anything you set your mind to,” right?).
But asking for help isn’t a bad thing. You’ve heard of the phrase, “Work smarter, not harder.” That’s exactly what asking for help means. It means being smart. Anybody who’s had any success in this world understands that there are moments where you just need to ask for help.
Asking for a little help involves checking out a few things in your motives. First, there’s a distinct difference between wanting help and wanting someone to do the work for you. Don’t ask your buddy to come help you work on the car if you are just going to stand next to the car drinking a beer while he works on your transmission. If you want help working on the car, roll up your sleeves and have him assist you in fixing it (and learn something along the way!). It’s like falling down in a race – you don’t want somebody to come pick you up and carry you across the finish line; you just want someone to help get you off the ground so you can start running again. Plus, if you’re truly asking for help, you are demonstrating to those around you (and yourself) that you aren’t running from the problem. You want to tackle it head-on. If you need a little help, that’s okay.
So let’s take a look at some situations where you might want to ask for a little help.
School
Any readers out there still doing homework? Hey, just because I’m not anymore doesn’t mean I don’t have any college readers (or high school readers?). In any case, this is a great time to learn how to ask for help. Usually on TV and in movies, you see getting help with homework involves having a nerd give you answers, or duping the cute girl into dating you. We’re not discussing either of those things here. Make it worth the tutor’s time. Throw some money their way, or buy them something nice in exchange. If you happen to live in some pop culture cliché, you could teach them to be cool. When they are going over things, stop them and ask questions. Any good teacher wants you to ask questions: it shows you are paying attention and you care about the material. Have them explain the concepts behind that algebra problem or the philosophies that our Founding Fathers built on. The more you can inject yourself into the content, the easier this will be on both of you!
Career
Watching somebody try to move up the ladder in an office can be interesting. After all, there are a fair amount of people in the world stuck in their positions, complaining about their bosses, wishing they got more raises, and just reveling in their misery. If you want to get ahead, you need to get on your bosses’ radar. Schedule a sit-down with your boss and instead of asking “Can I get a raise?” or “When will you promote me?”, ask questions like “What can I do to get a raise?” or “What can I do to get me on track for a promotion?” Put it on you. Your boss will appreciate it. After all, it’s not his job to give you a raise – it’s your job to earn it.
Building a business? Talk to people who’ve done it successfully. That’s the biggest point. Offer something in return. Many businesspeople are happy to share ideas and concepts with budding entrepreneurs. They’ve been there!
Marriage/Relationships
This is probably the one that the fewest people ask for help with. Relationships, and particularly marriages, can be strained after long periods of time. Many couples don’t understand that this is a natural thing, and they simply give up. But if you actually want to work at your marriage (you know, that whole “for better or for worse” promise you made), then there’s nothing wrong with getting together and understanding that you need to see somebody. It’s a big step in your marriage, and it doesn’t mean you’re incompatible – it just means you are human and you need to work through some crap. Hopefully, you’re going to a church, so you could approach your pastor about it. Most pastors are trained and educated in counseling, so they’d be great resources for this sort of thing. Even if they can’t, they should know somebody reputable that they can refer you to. Having a strong faith together is a great resource to turn to when things get tough. Also, go into any couples therapy as a team – you aren’t there to fix the other person. You are there to fix the relationship, and that means both of you.
Addiction
Simply put: there’s a lot of crap in this world that your brain can get hooked on. A lot of times, doing it on your own does nothing. Again, to get help, find somebody who’s kicked it successfully. There are plenty of support groups out there that can coach you into getting it done. If you need to look for a reputable specialist, do so. And let go of the shame – the world looks much more favorably on somebody who recognizes his or her addiction and is mature enough to get help. If you’re fighting it, you’ve got respect. There is little compassion for somebody who is too proud to get help and lets it take them down. Don’t be that guy.
Emotional Support
We all need to share our feelings with somebody at times (yup, even us dudes!). The best way to do so is to talk with your significant other – or in absence of one of those, a close friend or family member. But don’t unload on the person. They are not there to dump your troubles on to. Spend some time relating feelings to each other, and then do something together to get your mind off the stress.
If you want to be successful when getting help, the main thing to understand is that it’s going to be hard. There’s no way around that, so face it head-on. Once you approach it like that, nothing can stop you except yourself. Get some help before it’s too late to fix it.
Tom is an entrepreneur and freelance writer, working out of his apartment full-time, or wherever he feels like taking his laptop. He doesn't take long European vacations or blogs on the beach. He's an Average Joe that took control of his life. He wants you to do the same.
