Fighting Is a Good Thing (When Done Right)

Ever see a couple fight? Do you think that maybe they are just a terrible couple, or “Gee, I guess they wound up with the wrong person!” Actually, I think just the opposite (depending on how they’re arguing, I guess – more on that later): there’s a couple that cares.

Fighting is great for a relationship, because it shows that it means something to you. What would you rather have: somebody that butts heads with you or somebody that shows complete apathy for anything you say or do? I’ve dated girls for years without fighting with them, and none of them worked out. It didn’t matter that we got along – it was a sign that somebody just didn’t care. And when somebody doesn’t care about the relationship, it will tank. Mark my words on that. So here are some tips on how to fight best, without hurting the relationship:

Speak out. Soon.

Got a problem? Say something, and say something now. Don’t even finish reading this post (it’ll be here when you get back, anyway!). Go have at it. Bottling up your emotions just breeds more resentment and more problems. If my fiance has a problem, I want her to come talk to me right away. That way, it gets resolved before it snowballs out of control.

Avoid personal insult.

This is a biggie. If you are just kinda bantering playfully, feel free to poke fun at each other. But if you are discussing a very serious aspect of your relationship (i.e., money, kids, fidelity, etc.), you better keep it serious. And never seriously say something hurtful to the other person. It accomplishes nothing and you’ll wind up regretting it.

Leave other people out of it.

Chances are, this is about the two of you. Don’t waste your breath talking about how somebody else is doing it. A favorite line from Jeff Foxworthy goes like this: “Arguing is better when you’re married because once you get done running down everything you can say about the other person, now you get to bring family into it. Like we’ll be arguing, and I’ll tell my wife, ‘Well, I guess we’re going to have to live like your fat, alcoholic mother then…” It’s a funny joke, but it is obviously a satire on relationship arguments. Other people aren’t going to solve your problems. Deal with them one-on-one.

Cliche: “Don’t go to bed angry.”

People underestimate the power of their subconscious, especially when they sleep. Your brain is still working in the background. If you still have some dumb argument in your head, your brain will blow it up to gargantuan proportions by the time you wake up in the morning. Oh, and that will just make the next argument worse.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, regardless of how hard that is.

Another basic one – they have a perspective too! Chances are, it might even be a valid one in their mind. That’s why they’re arguing that point! If you want to resolve conflict, you need to know why a person is bothered by this and where they got their solution from. I’m not saying you have to agree with the other person, but try to see it from their side, knowing their upbringing and their life experience.

Do it behind closed doors.

Ugh. If you are in the supermarket, don’t be yelling at the person you are with. If you happen to be walking through a mall, don’t scream into your cell phone. Other people don’t want to know about your business, and they don’t need to hear about it, either. Remove yourself from the premises and go somewhere private (like back to your car).

Bring a solution to the table.

This is the hardest one: have some kind of plan. If you are just arguing, nothing will get done. Come up with an offer to reconcile the situation. If she comes back with one too, then you can sit down and compromise. Everybody hates that word, but it’s the secret to having a productive argument that will resolve some conflict.

Don’t stress over arguing. If you find yourself breaking these rules, then you have issues to work out. What about you? What do you think about arguing and how to do it effectively?