What I’m about to suggest that you do will not be easy. We are all emotionally-driven beings. When someone says or does something, our emotions can immediately judge that person. It’s why we focus so much on making good first impressions – people are quick to write someone off if they screw up right off the bat. But I’m telling you right now that we would all be much happier if we learned to recognize when our emotions are making an inaccurate judgment call.

We expect people to think like we do, so when they do something we don’t understand, we have a hard time giving them the benefit of the doubt.

There are a lot of different ways to say it, like “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” or “Get to the root of the problem.” Doctors are supposed to do that all the time. When you go in, you describe your symptoms, and they try to fix the source of the pain. So why don’t we apply this approach to our personal lives?

Situation #1: Looking back on past actions – forgiving yourself and/or others.

In high school, when you are in a serious relationship, you think that’s going to last forever. It’s incredibly common, and it happened with the last girl I dated in high school. We had broken up once before and mended fences, so we thought, Nothing can stop us now! Then she went to college and grew out of the relationship. It’s normal. It happens. It’s a common thing that really young couples run into. I couldn’t understand it at the time.

I thought my world was over. She was the one for me, and I didn’t want to give up. Also, being an avid fan of the TV show Boy Meets World, I always felt like breakups were only temporary – Cory and Topanga always pulled it out in a few episodes, right? So I hounded her, convinced that she didn’t give me a “good enough” answer. I didn’t “stalk” her, and nobody’s lives were at danger, or anything like that. I just kept thinking about her. As she dated other guys and word got back to me, I beat myself up over it. It was all I talked about with my friends, which no doubt left them increasingly annoyed and wishing they had someplace else to be.

Now, I am not going to say that I shoulder all the blame for this mess. She certainly played a large part in it. In the end, we both dropped the ball big time in how we handled the situation. For two years, I struggled to date other girls. I went out with girls, but I kept a certain distance from them, because – as pathetic as this sounds – I had it in the back of my head that she might come around again.

It’s easy to look back on times of your life and be pissed at yourself. Hindsight is 20/20, right? I know plenty of people who have those moments where they think to themselves, What was I thinking when I did that?” It’s difficult to let things like that go. But when you hang onto those feelings, you carry this baggage around on your shoulders – a weight that you can’t shake.

Now, I look back at that time and I know why I did those things and thought that way. First, I was young and stupid. Try to convince any teenager that they don’t know what life has in store for them and they will not listen for a second. They know what’s best for them! Not knowing what the future held, I struggled to accept the reality of the situation. We all do at that age. Second, it was a team effort. She answered my calls and continued to try to be “friends” with me. I can’t sit and take all the blame for it. It was more 50/50 than many people realized. Third, I had unrealistic expectations. I had blown up the relationship to gigantic proportions based on what I thought a relationship should be. It was doomed from the start.

I don’t defend my attitude during those couple of years. In fact, I look back and wonder who I could have dated had I been able to move on (my girlfriend hates when I say that!). But I know where the mess came from, and I know why I acted the way I did. This is important – and it’s something to keep in mind when thinking about someone who has wronged you in the past.

Situation #2: Dealing with complete strangers.

This is where so many people struggle the most.

My girlfriend’s house and my church are both located in neighborhoods that are filled with low-income families. Crime rates are generally high, and the demographics are much different from my own. I’m a middle-class white guy that grew up with a mother and a father. Most of the neighborhoods are lower-class African-Americans who generally come from single-parent homes. It’s hard to find parallels with them sometimes whenever I have to deal with them, simply because of the culture gap. I see many of them running down the street, yelling and cursing at each other. I see a lot of them wearing shirts with stuff on them that I wouldn’t wear. Many of them take pride in the subwoofers in their cars, and they brag about guns and basketball while holding their babies.

I did not grow up like that, so dealing with them directly can become rather intimidating. When I first took the volunteer position as head of evangelism at my church, I knew I would be heading out into these neighborhoods to get to know these people. I don’t even know how to talk to them, I would (stupidly) think to myself.

But I took strolls and I talked to people and I understood something that would aid me for the rest of my life: some people were just brought up differently than I was. They have different life experiences that shaped their attitudes and their outlook on life. Once I understood that, I knew how to talk to them. And once they recognized that I saw where they were coming from, they were happy to talk to me too.

So, what’s the point of this?

Sometimes you will not understand someone’s actions, whether you know them or not. Before getting worked up over it, take a deep breath and throw yourself into their shoes for a second. You might be surprised at what you find. Many times, the actions that you are angry with are rooted in the person’s current situation, such as excessive stress or a lousy upbringing. I hate saying it, but sometimes people just don’t know any better because nobody took the time to teach them.

It’s changed my life drastically. Last year, a woman I dated for two years broke up with me. Given the circumstances, it had the potential to be just as messy as the previous one. But after I got my emotions in check, I looked at the situation from her perspective. While I disagreed with how she handled her life’s situation, I understood where it was coming from. It enabled me to make peace with it and move on with my life. I looked at the source of her actions, instead of simply judging them based on my own thinking.

When I find myself in the neighborhoods around my church or my girlfriend’s house, I smile at people that I come into contact with, and I might even make a pleasant comment if I’m in the mood to talk. I no longer write them off just because their backgrounds differ from my own, or they may look at me in a way that offends me. For our Fourth of July celebration this weekend, I was playing a game of ladder golf with my girlfriend and her family at her house. Since we were by the street, sometimes the game would spill over the curb and one of us would have to run and grab it. Across the street, a group of kids were playing and they started watching us play – not exactly something I made the habit of doing as I grew up. Normally, ignoring them would be in order. But, I overheard one of them tell one of the other boys, “You should go get it, you got more energy than him.” At that, I couldn’t resist, so I stopped and looked across the street and yelled, “Hey! How old do you think I am?”, and smiled at them while they laughed. They weren’t that different from me.

I would never suggest that, if somebody does something wrong, you ignore what they did – especially if it’s someone you know. Let your cooler head prevail, and go to them privately to discuss the problem. Tell them what they did to you and how it made you feel. Don’t allow them to justify the problems, but deal with them directly. And stop writing off strangers by what they look like. You have absolutely no idea who they are or where they are coming from.

I’m an old-fashioned guy; I think people should be held accountable for their actions. Problems should be dealt with, not ignored. But you also need to recognize the other person’s perspective. That perspective is a window to the source of the problem, and therein lies the solution. Let’s not forget that the next time someone wrongs you or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Your thoughts?

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